The Odyssey: Part 1

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious teacher who travelled far and wide after he had rocked the famous town of Lake Charles. Many cities did he visit, and many were the cultures with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by road while trying to save his own life and bring his car safely home...

Part 1: Evangelical Gators

The drive from Lake Charles to Pittsburgh is 1280 miles. Under normal circumstances, it would take a little under 20 hours to get back home. Unfortunately, Typhon decided to take a dump on the Midwestern states (read: "fly-over states"), which with its combination of freezing snow and my apparent invisibility to truckers, increased the travel time to a little over 24 hours. So I arrived in Pittsburgh sleep deprived (final tally: 37 hours with no sleep, 24 of them in the car with a handful of breaks to gain fuel and lose body mass). But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, the Muse commands I speak of the evangelical gators.

I use an iPod when I drive - an FM transmitter donated by my friend Rich during the Odyssey's prequel (to be adapted by Peter Jackson) keeps me in music during dull periods, like all of Kentucky. The FM transmitter works like a very low-power radio transmitter, meaning it finds a channel normally broadcasting static, and sends the music from your iPod to the car, whereupon the wizard in the dashboard sacrifices a cat and the yowls sound like Depeche Mode.

Anyway, the FM station my transmitter found wasn't really unoccupied - at higher elevations it was shared by a powerful religious broadcasting network in Baton Rouge. So, depending on whether I was on an elevated roadway or not, I was either being entertained by my iPod or Jesus. I have a variety of music on my playlists, and I was especially entertained by a period when Jesus was competing with Beck (2nd generation Scientologist), the Beastie Boys (good Jewish boys from New York), and Jane's Addiction (fronted by Perry Farrell, who will pretty much sleep with anything having a heart-beat). To paraphrase:

"Current society is very anti-Christian, and it's important to ensure that we have a variety of viewpoints expressed in current debates. We have a representative from Alabama on the phone who will be telling us about recent legislation concerning the automotive bail-out, as well as a resolution submitted to the United Nations concerning abortion advocacy and national laws favoring abortion."

"We are, of course, informed by one of Jesus' more famous parables, in which he tell us that-

*road dips; static*

"See me kickin the door with my boots
Broke down out in a ditch of old rubbish
Snakes and bones in the back of your room
Handing out a confection of venom
Heaven's drunk from the poison you use
Charm the wolves with the eyes of a gambler
Now I see it's a comfort to you
Hammer my bones on the anvil of daylight

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na"

*road raises; static*

"Now I think Jesus makes some very good points here that are frequently lost in what we will call the 'Mainstream Media'. It's wisdom like this that is timeless, and is key to living a good life."

"Do we have Representative [X] on the phone? Good."

"Representative, it's good to have you with us. Are you in Washington or in Alabama?"

"It's good to be here. I am in Washington, but I will be returning to Alabama soon."

"Representative, do you think the Big 3 are going to fold? I know that the White House is considering taking some of that banking bailout money and maybe putting it towards Detroit. What is Congress doing?"

"Well, I actually voted against the auto bailout, because, ah, parts of the bill, are, you know, they didn't make much sense to me. For instance, I was talking with my fellow Representatives, and I told them-"

*road dips; static"

"From the family tree of old school hip hop
Kick off your shoes and relax your socks
The rhymes will spread just like a pox
Cause the music is live like an electric shock
I am known to do the Wop
Also known for the Flintstone Flop
Tammy D getting biz on the crop
Beastie Boys known to let the beat drop
When I wrote graffiti my name was Slop
If my rap's soup my beats is stock
Step from the tables as I start to chop
I'm a lumber jack DJ Adrock
If you try to knock me you'll get mocked
I'll stir fry you in my wok
Your knees'll start shaking and your fingers pop
Like a pinch on the neck of Mr. Spock"

*road rises; static*

"So naturally I couldn't vote for it."

"I think that makes sense, and when we are faced with the current economic crisis, it's important to pay attention to sound arguments like yours, Representative. I understand that Democratic control of Congress will affect both the current economic crisis as well as international relations."

"Yes, the Democrats have controlled Congress for the past few years, but we had control before that. It makes it hard to get some legislation enacted, like a resolution I wanted to be sent to the United Nations. It made it, but it was a difficult fight. It was designed to comment on laws in several different foreign nations that are friendly to abortion, and it simply stated that all children have a right to life, both born and unborn. Now it's been referred to a committee and will be explored further, but this process has been known to be kind of a graveyard for legislation. But I sent a letter to some of the member nations who were considering it, and I told them it was important to pass legislation recognizing the right to life of children, both born and unborn. I said-"

*road dips; static*

"I was comin down the mountain
met a child she had pin eyes
we had the same opinion
had the same opinion
she was holding it back
it hurts so bad
jumping out of her flesh
and i said cash in!
cash in now honey
cash in now
cash in now baby
cash in now honey
cash in miss smith
cash in now baby!"

*road rises; static*

"A very compelling position, Representative, and I'm glad we have voices like yours in Congress."

...

It was surreal. Now, all of that was an aside for what I really wanted to talk about: alligators. Sections of I-10 in Louisiana are elevated, because you are literally driving over swamp - in fact, most of that area is marshy swamp. And it's just as elegant as it sounds. There are three animals living in this swamp - gators, fish, and more gators. Jesus FM is spending *a lot* of money on powerful transmitters to broadcast salvation and redemption into the swamp. And then I realized why. They are trying to save the gators.

Gambling is legal in Lousiana, and, in fact, Lake Charles receives gambling revenue. New Orleans and the debauchery of Bourbon Street are also attractive to enterprising gators in need of release. Gambling and debauchery are huge dangers for one's immortal soul - these sins tempt one further, since it is but a short step from playing poker while drinking to selling one's body for crack. There is philosophical proof for this - something about "possible worlds". Ask Hanno.

Regardless, these gators are tempted to sin. Sloth and gluttony have already consumed their lives, as "basking" is the only marketable skill they possess. In times of economic crisis, the desire to forget your cares is pretty profound, and many turn to such vices as escapism.

With Jesus FM pumping into the swamp, I expect us to see a surge of spiritualism and religious fervor in our gator population. We have Mormon gators living in my apartment complex, but they are imported from Utah, and are only here so long as they are on their missionary rotation. There were Jewish gators, but I'm pretty sure they relocated to Florida following Hurricane Ike.

We need evangelical gators. I am hopeful you will work with me to spread the word of the First Evangelical Church of Jesus Christ, Reptile. It is hard work, my friends, but rewarding. And yes, I do take PayPal.

Part Two of the Odyssey (Tantalus Lives in Tennessee) will follow.

Alles Gute.