The Odyssey - Part 2

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious teacher who travelled far and wide after he had rocked the famous town of Lake Charles. Many cities did he visit, and many were the cultures with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by road while trying to save his own life and bring his car safely home...

Part 2: Tantalus Lives in Tennessee

Tantalus, son of Zeus, but somehow also the son of Tmolus, King of Lydia. Perhaps Mrs. Tmolus had some explaining to do, and, when in doubt, blame Zeus, since he had a bit of a problem keeping his divine "wisdom" in his tunic. The take home message: if given the option, don't get yourself condemned to Hades, especially if it means your thirst will never be quenched, nor your hunger satiated. Both the water and the fruit would draw away from his lips as he neared them.

This is a lot like Tennessee, which never really ends. In fact, although I believe I am currently in Pittsburgh, having seen family and friends, favorite places and restaurants, part of me is still convinced that I'm actually still driving, trapped forever between Memphis and Nashville, in some evil-bastard version of Groundhog Day. I believe that Tennessee is gradually expanding, incrementally, as if Jeff Fisher needed more lebensraum.

Following the evangelical gators, the odyssey turned North, traveling through Mississippi, which is just as exciting as it sounds. The only really interesting thing about Mississippi is that it only involves four letters, which is probably three more than the average Mississippian can name (Please send all hate mail to "Attn: FOX News").

Anyway, I hit Memphis at daybreak, turning east, believing that it was a hop, skip, and a jump to Kentucky. Memphis was unprepared for the weather, and did not salt their roads, so there were accidents aplenty. This made for an interesting drive, if only for the uncertainty as to whether the concrete patches ahead were masking thin layers of ice. Call it Highway Roulette.

So I drove, and drove, and ******* drove. I saw signs saying "Nashville: 120 miles", and then three hours later "Nashville: 118 miles". I decided to keep a journal of my experience...

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Entering Memphis

Have met Native American traveling companion and guide. He notes that the journey should go quickly. Must remember not to steal land following trip.

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Travelling east, sun is rising ahead, a promising sign pulling me forward. Signs promising Nashville starting to appear.

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Native American companion killed by Titans fans. Still travelling east. Nashville beckons.

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Week three. Have met and impregnated local. Signs promise Nashville only 75 miles away.

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Stopped with family for gas. Expecting second child soon. Nashville only 63 miles away.

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Cholera outbreak. Two cattle have died. Nashville only 61 miles away.

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Restocked at gas station. Family upbeat. Titan fan attacks took first child, second through fourth children safe. Nashville only 63 miles away.

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Passed self on the turnpike. Beginning to suspect Bill Murray may be involved. Nashville only 64 miles away.

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Have begun researching relativistic time dilation. Suspect local large gravitational mass. Nashville only 75 miles away. So close I can taste it.

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Have decided to attempt new approach to Nashville.

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Rafting attempt aborted. No river.

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First grandchild born. Nashville only 30 miles away.

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Ran out of provisions. Had to shoot two deer for food.

Obtained food. Can complete rest of trip. Remainder of children taken by Titan fans. Nashville only 43 miles away.

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Reached outskirts of Nashville. Game froze. Had to reset and restart from last save point. Have children again.

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Two PM. Five words I never thought I would say: Thank God I'm in Kentucky.

Seriously, Tennessee NEVER. *******. ENDS.

Our Odyssey is not over. Kentucky and Ohio await...

Alles Gute.