The Odyssey - Part 3

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious teacher who travelled far and wide after he had rocked the famous town of Lake Charles. Many cities did he visit, and many were the cultures with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by road while trying to save his own life and bring his car safely home...

Part 3. Of Tyrannosaurs and Underpants

The quest draws towards its conclusion, as Tennessee is left behind (maybe). The iPod is drained, and I am forced to switch to local radio stations and the CDs in my car. Kentucky sprawls before me like a dead hooker in a cheap motel room.

Not really. That would be more interesting and most certainly never happened. Especially not in 2003. Or 2004. Or twice in 2006.

Kentucky shakes things up, as the geography began to shift from Lousianian (see: "flat") to Kentuckian (see: "less flat"). Now to the Southwestern readers who are only familiar with Euclidean geometry, areas in the Northeast exist in three dimensions. "Height" for people translates into "elevation", and the physicial shape of the land changes accordingly. This translates further into hills, but not quite mountains. Kentucky serves as a transitional state from 2D to 3D living, just like slush is a transition state between water and ice.

As such, I was driving, ecstatic to finally be free of Tennessee's gravitational mass (maybe), when suddenly...

I was assaulted by a twenty foot orange T-Rex. It is unfortunate that Kentucky serves as the only remaining nature preserve for the majestic and serene creature known as the Tyrannosaurus Rex (Latin for "Patron Saint of Pilots"). Those of you familiar with Greek Orthodox iconography will recognize St. Rex the Indefatigable, who in 1461 led his Cossack squadron into battle against the Huns, preventing Hirohito and Mussolini from conquering Denmark.

I visited the shrine of St. Rex while in Kentucky, and offered a sacrificial goat.

+++++

Dinosaur World was not the only attraction, I also visited an organic underpants farm.

Captain Underpants himself led the tour, despite him not actually being affiliated with the organic underpants farm. It should be noted that this Captain Underpants is not to be confused with my former patient Captain Underpants. The fields of underpants were awe inspiring - mile upon mile of wild, free-range underpants, growing under the blue Kentucky sky, singing their mild and calming song of the underpants castles near the Great Barrier Reef.

At this point, I checked the clock and saw that I had been without sleep for about 28 hours. This led me to doubt the underpants. [N.B.: As I must make a return trip anyway, I will be able to form a more accurate picture of the ontology of the underpants in a few days. There may be a research article in all of this.]

+++++

I entered Ohio. Night fell while I was driving, turning Ohio's scenic nothing into a dark, scenic nothing. Every mile marker gradually changed to reflect a more honest experience:

Knowing people who live in Ohio, I was not hallucinating, as they have assured me that this is true.

+++++

But there was eventual triumph, and the Odyssey came to a fruitful conclusion. 1280 miles later, I did finally arrive in Pittsburgh (maybe - it is unclear whether this is still Tennessee).

I thank you for making this journey with me. I make the return trek in three days, at which point a new semester of students to terrorize begins.

Alles Gute.